


Years Gone By

by ancoralefay



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Character Study, Found Family, Gen, Lucretia contemplates a life of hard decisions: a novel, Lucretia deserves happiness: a sequel, Spoilers for Ep 59
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 18:07:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10496625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ancoralefay/pseuds/ancoralefay
Summary: The first time she saw them, she didn't know what to think.The first time she saw them again, it's like a punch to the gut.--Meetings and re-meetings. Lucretia remembers, even if she's the only one who can.





	

The first time Lucretia saw them was on the ship, and she didn’t know what to think. 

The captain had gathered them together, and for the first time they were all in the same room. It was her first glance at who would be her crewmates for the indefinite future. A surly-looking dwarf leaned against the doorframe, chuckling at something Davenport was saying. A nervous human man was standing awkwardly behind them, looking as unsure as Lucretia felt. The pair of twins chatting at breakneck speed would be working with her in research. Lucretia fidgeted with the notebook in her hand, hoping they would be kind. She felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned, and met the gaze of a burly man grinning down at her. Lucretia was a tall woman. It wasn’t easy to grin down at her. She didn’t know how to feel about it.

“Lucretia, right? You’re gonna be keeping the journals?”

She nodded. She opened her mouth to speak, but found she didn’t know what to say. The man didn’t seem to mind. He smiled, and Lucretia felt herself starting to smile, too.

“I’m Magnus. It’s good to meet you.”

\--

The first time she saw them again, she couldn’t think. It was like she was falling from a great height, wind rushing past her ears filling her head with static. Her breath caught in her throat. They were here, in front of her again, and every part of her screamed to run and greet them, embrace them, welcome them home. Magnus, who had been so kind to her from the day they met, who had listened to her patiently and asked about her journals. Merle, who she had drank and laughed with for hours in a way she didn’t think she could again. Taako, who had helped her with her research and was the only one who could make her laugh when they were both overtired from too many long nights. 

Taako, who clutches the concealed gauntlet in his arms. Lucretia allows herself a pang of loss for its creator.

She stands on a dais before them and they look at her like a stranger. Which, she supposes, she is now.

She missed them, and they were standing right in front of her.  
  
She loved them, and they could never know.

She looks at her family and forces herself to speak,  
“Welcome, the three of you, to the Bureau of Balance. It’s a pleasure to have you.”

\--

She puts them through the test of initiation, out of curiosity as much as necessity. 

Bravest, smartest, and strongest. Lucretia remembered who they were before and wondered who they might have become. 

“Alright. Uh, I am the smartest. My friend, Taako is – ” Lucretia almost laughs aloud. Merle was one of her dearest friends, but she never would have chosen this for him. There are greater strengths than muscle and brawn.

“I’m the, um—I’m the bravest.” Taako was brave, that wasn’t wrong. But he also wasn’t a simple idiot wizard. He was the most brilliant young researcher Lucretia had ever worked with.

“I’m the strongest.” Magnus. Lucretia can’t help the small smile that pulls on her lips. He was strong. But rushing in takes more than just strength. It takes something else, too.

Fine choices. Lucretia wants to smile, but she keeps her expression carefully blank. 

“Okay.”  
  
She taps her staff on the ground, and the three fall to the floor, unconscious. 

\--

She worries, in the way you do about things you can’t really change, about how each of them will face their relics.

She had replayed the argument in her mind a thousand times over, wondering if there was anything she could have done differently to prevent this.

_“It’s not going to work,” Lup snarled, slamming her fist on the table. The research team was exhausted. Long days watching the hunger crawl closer had taken its toll on all of them. Lucretia pushes her fingers to her temples, eyes pressed shut._  
  
_It was the same argument they had been having for weeks._  
  
_“It’s going to have to,” Lucretia says through her teeth, “It’s all we’ve got.”_  
  
_“Then let’s get something else!” Taako’s eyes are darting between the two of them, ears flicking nervously._  
  
_“It’s time we start thinking of alternative solutions,” Lup says._  
  
_“I’m all ears,” Lucretia snaps, “If you’ve come up with any bright ideas since literally yesterday.”_  
  
_“What if we broke up the light?” Both women swivel to face the quiet voice. Taako looks up from the table. “We’ve all got something to offer, isn’t that what you’re always saying, Lucretia?”_  
  
_He looks at her pleadingly, “Then let us try.”_

After they had made their decision, despite Lucretia’s protests, Taako had made the stone with a scientist’s cold curiosity. Its potential might have called to him in the past. But whatever had happened to him in the years between memories, he now distrusted his own magic. It broke Lucretia’s heart to see the doubt in his eyes with every spell. But because of it, she worried least about him.

Merle had crafted the Gaia Sash with the same reverence with which he had treated the ship garden. It held more than a love for nature - it was life itself incarnate. But Merle’s love was divine, and knew its limits. He might be tempted, but his faith would pull him through.

Magnus, though. Lucretia bit her lip. Magnus loved too much, too hard. The years had been brutal to him in a way he never deserved. If the chalice offered a chance to do it all over – it would take something truly amazing to convince him otherwise. But Magnus had always been amazing. She would have to trust him.

Hopefully, when the time came, they would trust her, too.  


\--

They were gone. For now, at least – she had sent them after the lead they had in Rockport. The rest was up to them. Lucretia let out a long, tired sigh. It had been harder than she had thought to watch them leave again.

Lucretia looked up at her portrait. It was a story in three parts – the woman she was now, older and greyer but still standing tall. Under that, the woman she had been, a younger and more hopeful self. And under that, the woman she missed, with six others gathered around her. The longer she looks at it, the stronger this feeling in her chest grows. And suddenly she’s _furious_.

It isn’t fair that this fell on her. Twenty years taken from her in Wonderland, and for what? Doing what she had to in order to protect her friends? She picks up a glass paperweight from her desk and weighs it in her hand a moment before flinging it at the wall, watching with satisfaction as it exploded into shards. _Good,_ she thought viciously, _let something else be destroyed for once._

The crew had always teased her that she was an old soul. Now she had the face to match.

Maybe she deserved every year gone. After all, hadn’t she taken more than her fair share? Her crewmates, her friends, her family – she had scattered them across the land, stripping them of their memories. It didn’t matter that she did it to protect them. It didn’t matter that she missed them more than anything, that with every passing day she wonders if it’s worth it, if she wouldn’t just give up the world to have her friends back.

But then she bites her lip and straightens up because she’s not Lucretia anymore, she’s the Director, and she will do whatever is necessary to protect the ones she loves. Even if they don’t know it. 

Even if they don’t know her.

And just as quickly as it came, the fury is gone. Lucretia is breathing heavily, surveying the damage she’s done. She’s sitting on the floor of her office, papers scattered around her. The silent stars beyond her window go on, ignorant of her anger. She clutches her staff to her chest and takes a deep breath in.

She’s strong, but she’s so tired.

She closes her eyes, and lets the memories wash over her.

In them, everyone knows her. And in them, everyone is smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> *bangs fists on table* more! lucretia! fic! now!


End file.
